


It Could Have Been Perfect

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Sad, Sappy, Self-Reflection, Unrequited Love, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-09
Updated: 2003-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:27:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22991701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: As he’s to leave Jonas thinks about all that could have been between him and Sam.
Relationships: Samantha "Sam" Carter/Jonas Quinn
Kudos: 5





	It Could Have Been Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to Dee Dee for beta! *hugs*

# It Could Have Been Perfect

If things had been different, if no ghosts had hung between us…maybe you could have met me with more than polite distance. You saw me at my lowest; broken and lost I hid within a smile. Sometimes I thought that you knew; you must have considering how smart you are but you never let on.

I had lost everything; was crawling on hands and knees with nowhere to run and nowhere to go. Every step was a fight; there was no manual on how to walk this pained path. In found in you my flicker of sunshine. You granted me access to knowledge when everyone else shut me out; you showed me kindness and compassion and only too late did I see that it wasn’t anything special; just you being you. You are three people in one: a warrior, a scientist and a woman. Sometimes they do battle for control but your heart always wins out in the end and I know you saw in me a lost soul you could not turn away. Isolated and alone, alienated in every way I became so lonesome…so you grew to become so much more than a friend and a kind soul in my mind.

Surely you must have felt it, must have sensed it; how I tried to please you… all I tried to do for you. In my dark world you became my light, my angel to use an Earth phase. I know it was only ever in my head; you never felt like I did…as deeply as I did.

I would have done anything for you; anything. Beg, plea, kill, steal or die…anything. I realized too late that despite your heart you, like the others, could never fully forgive me for being here instead of Daniel. Only Teal’c ever fully accepted me and for that I’ll be forever grateful. I think perhaps it’s his more rational mind; his decisions are generally not clouded by emotions or maybe it’s because he once had to kill Daniel’s wife to save his life and thus knows how guilt and regret feels…I’m not sure why but he’ll live forever in my heart because of it for he became my only true friend while I was on Earth. You…you did not show the same coldness the others gave me but ghosts and guilt still stood between us and made you turn back whenever I reached out for you.

It could have been perfect. I would have done anything for you. The sweetest love you had ever known; I would give it all to you. I would never take; never demand…only give and that I did. I gave you my heart and my soul…I gave you all I had but it was never enough and could never be enough for I could not do the one thing that mattered; I could not undo the past. For five seconds of fear and shock I’ve been branded for life. I now see I could never have made amends for there was no forgiveness to find.

Farewell, Sam. There’s so much I wish to tell you but you already know every word I would speak. I leave my heart here with you but I know…you will not care for it with gentle hands for you have no reason to. You never asked for this but I gave you everything just the same.

In another time, another place…we could have lived the perfect life. You would find none as faithful as me, never find one who’ll give you as much as me…You could have had it all…All I had but I know…It was not enough for all I had to give was my heart and soul and you never wanted any of them.

I try to smile as I leave; I know you expect a smile. Maybe you pretend you don’t know all the pain I hide behind this smile of mine but I think you do; you’re too smart not to. Still I do as expected…I smile and then I walk away, leaving my heart behind…leaving you.

You would never have been mine but each night in my dreams…it was perfect. I never held you or kissed you…you were never mine and would never be mine yet still as I walk away I feel like mourning a lost love I never had and will never get.

The End 


End file.
